Frozen or Roasted?
by plaguechampion
Summary: Plucky Princess Anna of Arendelle and her goofy but loyal snowman friend Olaf wind up on a daring mission to rescue the loveable reindeer Sven from the clutches of the villainous mountain trolls Wiliam, Bert and Tom. It may take Kristoff and his trusty ice men, or even the powers of Elsa the snow queen herself to bring down these larger, decidedly unfriendly trolls.
1. William Bert and Tom

**Just a little idea that sprung from my thing for 'Hobbit,' 'Lord of the Rings' and Disney. **

_"Mutton yesterday, mutton today, an' blimey, if it don't look like mutton again termorrer!"_ Anna and Olaf could hear that voice again, definitely not the sort you heard in the castle throne room. As silent as hedgehogs, they slunk towards the firelight that led them towards a clearing. _"Quit yer gripin'!"_ another guttural voice boomed in reply.

"This ain't sheep!" William, the troll carrying Sven was saying to a shorter troll wearing an apron and a skinnier one in what looked like a vest. These other two trolls sat on boulders around a battered cauldron heating over a campfire. "This 'ere's fresh stag!" William grinned, stomping up to one of the trees he was going to tie Sven onto. "AW! I don't like deer. I never 'ave. Too much hair! Too smelly!" Tom, the thin rat-faced troll with stick-out teeth and his left eye looking in the wrong direction complained in a squawky voice, shaking his coconut-like head. Anna and Olaf crouched behind a hedge, peering at these three very large creatures. "Woah, look at the size of – " "Ssshhh!" Anna hissed, snapping a hand over Olaf's big mouth. At the moment, William was looping a rope around Sven's neck, tying the other end around a nearby tree trunk. "Well, it's better than leathery ol' farmer. All skin an' bone 'e woz." grunted Bert, the troll in the apron holding a stick with a metal bowl roped onto the end to make a ladle. His right eye was an ugly milky white, possibly an injury. "I'm still pickin' bits of 'im outta me teeth." he went on whilst Anna and Olaf crept through bushes and tree trunks around the clearing. Olaf felt a great deal of pity hearing this. "Aw, I hate to imagine that poor farmer guy - " _"Olaf, be quiet!"_ Anna hissed again, the danger of being spotted hanging in the air.

After he had strung the squirming, terrified reindeer to the tree, William sat down on a third boulder on Tom's right. Bert had just tossed some herbs into his bubbling mutton stew, when Tom reared his head back. _"AAA - _**CHOO!"** There was a splurge of something landing into the cauldron. Anna froze up against a tree with Olaf at her side. _"Ew…"_ she grimaced at what she had heard. "Oh, that's lovely that is." Bert grumbled, staring down into the pot. "A floater!" "Ooh! Might improve the flavour!" William scoffed in amusement. Anna felt her stomach turn. _"Double ew…"_ "Ah, there's more where that came from!" Tom grinned to William, getting up. Just as he inhaled through his nostrils ready for another round, Bert snatched hold of his snout with his free hand. **"OH, NO, YOU DON'T!"** he growled angrily.

As Tom started yowling in pain, Anna led Olaf through the trees so they were a few yards behind Bert, close enough to where Sven lay helplessly muzzled and tied up.

After a few seconds of clutching Tom's nostrils so hard, he kept on yelping, Bert gave him an incredible shove. "Sit down!" he snarled. As Tom stumbled back onto his boulder, the grouchy chef troll went back to stirring. _"Ahh – ahh – "_ Tom went, feeling a sneeze on the way and snatching the handkerchief (a blanket) hanging off his waist. He placed his leaky nostrils into the blanket, let out a startlingly loud sneeze and blew, making the most disgustingly long noises possible.

With her back up against the tree she was hiding behind, Anna inched around in an attempt to weigh up her chances of a successful rescue. "You do know how to save Sven, don't you Anna?" Olaf was almost pleading, huddled beside her leg. _"I'm working on it…"_ she whispered, cautiously watching the trolls from the corner of her eye.

"I hope you know how ter gut this stag." Tom said to Bert, turning to Sven. Eyes wide in fear, Anna gasped and whirled back behind the tree. "I don't want the stinky parts." Tom continued, getting up to have a look at the frightened animal who couldn't even bray with that beastly rope William had put around his nose. But Bert swung his ladle into Tom's coconut head, causing him to yowl again. "I said sit down!" he shouted. Tom still whined and clutched his head, but went back to sit on his boulder. William, who was using a rock to sharpen a dagger, simply a chipped blade tied to a stick, grew quite impatient. "I'm starvin'! Are we havin' deer tonight or wot?" he shouted. "_No…_" Anna quivered, her blood turning as cold as Elsa's eternal winter would have been. Any minute, these monsters might decide it was time to chop Sven up to fifty slices! _"Shut your cakehole! You'll eat wot I give ya!"_ Bert was snapping back at William. Anna relaxed only slightly, now that she had just a little more time. She and Olaf carefully glanced from behind the tree again, just as Tom was pulling out his blanket-handkerchief. When she saw something else hanging from Tom's waist, Anna paused. It was another dagger like William's; a curved blade roughly attached to a bit of wood. She felt cogs start to turn in her head.

Anna got down onto one knee so she was at Olaf's level. _"Okay, Olaf, see that dagger?"_ she whispered as quietly as possible, despite her voice trembling slightly. "Yeah, I don't want to find out what those guys are about to - " "Olaf, **ssshhh**!" Anna hushed, clamping a finger and thumb over the snowman's upper and lower lip. His voice was muffled behind his snow lips, but he looked up at her as though ready to listen. _"Olaf, I want you to sneak over and bring it to me, so we can cut Sven's ropes."_ Anna instructed. _"Okay?"_ When she let go of Olaf's lips, he looked back at Tom's dagger. _**"Sure, I think I can get it, Anna."**_ Olaf whispered back, succeeding mainly in sounding hoarser than quieter. "Right. Now before we do that -" Anna muttered, looking around herself. _**"I shall go all sneaky like…"** _At Olaf's words, she instantly turned to find him tip-toeing out of the trees, towards the trolls! "_Get back here!"_ Anna nearly screeched, lunging and snatching Olaf before darting back into the trees. Flattening herself up against one and panting in fear, she kept her arms around Olaf with one hand over his mouth. Apart from her heart thumping in her throat, there was just silence. Bert was sloshing his ladle in the pot. William was drawing his dagger along his small rock and Tom was wiping his nostrils in the blanket.

A few anxious, breathless seconds later, Anna decided Olaf hadn't quite given himself away to the trolls just yet and in relief, placed him back down beside her. _"Before you do this, we've just got to make sure you get to those guys unnoticed…"_ she told Olaf, looking around again. When she noticed some small bushes, she caught and pulled bits of them off with her fists. "Oh, yeah, you're right." Olaf replied in understanding. "I do kind of stand out, because, you know, I'm made of snow, and everything around here's green, in fact, I'm really not sure how I'd blend in. We could try painting me green, that might – " "Now, Olaf, hold still." Anna ordered the chatty snowman, holding up the bits of bush. "Right, holding still." Olaf obediently replied, making the balls that made his body as rigid as a statue. Anna knelt down and started sticking the twigs into his body as though giving him acupuncture. Olaf's snow held them in, the vegetation hanging off the ends hiding most of his body. Of course having them pushed through him did cause him to titter at the ticklish sensation, so Anna had to put a hand over his mouth. Soon after stabbing a few more bits of bush into him, Anna stepped back for a proper look. "Hey, I think I've just become one of the trees!" Olaf observed with his ever-wide grin at the camouflage covering him up apart from his carrot nose, round childlike eyes and stick arms. "Learned that trick from an old play I once saw." Anna smirked in light amusement. "I'd love to see that play! Is it about a snowman who makes friends with trees?" _"Later, Olaf."_ Anna whispered, pushing him out. _"Just get me that dagger and we can get Sven out of here. But be careful. Good luck."_ So Olaf started stealthily scuttling towards the trolls. The greenery made him just about blend into the environment, though it did leave the balls that were his feet quite visible.

"How come e's the cook?!" William growled sulkily as he sawed his dagger along his huge nails. "Everything tastes the same! Everything tastes like chicken!" "Except the chicken." Tom squawked through his handkerchief. "Well it tastes like fish!" snapped William, who didn't even notice the tiny bush moving on Tom's left. "I'm just sayin'." Bert argued, still stirring the contents of the pot grumpily. "A little appreciation would be nice." Next thing, the trolls turned their heads, Bert looking behind himself. Apart from a small bush standing perfectly still, they saw absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. So Bert went back to stirring, William and Tom turning away. "'Thank you very much, Bert! Nice stew Bert!' 'Ow 'ard is that?" Bert continued to grumble.

Anna watched Olaf edge closer and closer to Tom, the dagger at the troll's waist just waiting to be pinched. So far that bush disguise seemed to be working. Not once did Tom even turn his head, but his left arm suddenly started to reach out for something. Olaf halted his step, looking up at the huge hand that felt its way about and came only a few feet from touching him. "Hm, just needs a sprinkle o' squirrel's…" Bert was murmuring. Then Tom's hand grabbed a mug (a barrel with a chair tied to it as a handle) and lifted it. "**'ERE!**" Bert barked. Anna squeaked in fright and shrunk behind her tree. "That's **MY** grog!" Bert was shouting at Tom. Tom would have taken a swig, but stuttered guiltily at Bert. Olaf watched through his camouflage as the weedy troll placed the barrel down. "Sorry - **AAH!**" All Tom's apology was rewarded with was Bert growling and smacking his head with the ladle hard enough to knock him back off his boulder! After scooping up some of his stew with the ladle, Bert took a sip while Tom sat back up and shook the stars from his coconut head. "Ooh! That is *beautifully* balanced, that is." the chef troll said in satisfaction at his cooking. As he held the ladle forward to give Tom a try, Olaf shuffled closer to the dagger. "Wrap yer laughin' gear 'round there, eh?" Bert commented as Tom loudly slurped out of the bowl that was the ladle's spoon. "_Ew_…" Feeling slightly sick at the noises these trolls made when eating, Anna clasped her mouth, but stayed in the trees watching Olaf's progress. Olaf was right at Tom's side reaching his short stick arms for that dagger that Anna needed to cut Sven free. But the fact that the troll moved about where he sat made stealing it all the more difficult for the three-foot-tall snowman who just grabbed thin air. "Huh? Good, innit?" Bert was asking the slurping Tom with a low chuckle. "That's why I'm the cook." When Olaf reached for the dagger again, Tom lifted himself up off the boulder, scratching his rear end! "_Ew, gross._" Anna went, scrunching her eyes shut and turning away. How she desperately wanted to purge that image from her mind before it scarred her possibly for life! Olaf just kept still, waiting for Tom to finish. Once the troll had plonked himself back onto the boulder, the snowman took his next chance to reach for that dagger. "Say, Tom, 'ave you got anymore of that bogey juice?" Bert asked. "Adds a nice crunch." But Tom twitched his nostrils. "Uhhh, nah, s'gone all runny - ahhh - _ahhh_…" Feeling another sneeze on the way, he reached down for the blanket. His massive hand snatched it back up and his snout unleashed an incredible shower of thick green mucus! Leaves and scrub flew around the trolls like confetti! Eyes saucer-wide and pressing a fist to her mouth, Anna squealed in horror!

"**WOAH**!" Tom screeched in shock, his beady eyes bulging at what he saw in his hand. "**BLIMEY**!" There was a small, white, round creature lying in his handkerchief, smeared in slime and twiggery, staring up with a dazed, goofy grin. "**BERT! LOOK WOT'S COME OUTTA ME HOOTER**!" Tom babbled in his high-pitched voice. "It's got arms an' legs an' everything!" He was thinking he had just sneezed out Olaf! Bert leaned forward so his right eye could get a closer look at this tiny captive. William also looked, his mouth half-open in confusion. "Wot is it?" Bert asked curiously. "I - I dunno, but it don't look like a 'uman to me!" Tom replied. He violently tipped Olaf out of his hand as though he had diseases. The snot-splattered snowman flumped onto the soil, the impact separating his body and head!


	2. From Kitchen to Crematorium

**Now you get the gist of this story, this chapter goes back to what happened before Sven gets kidnapped and Anna and Olaf meet William, Bert and Tom. We go back some time after the first Frozen and some time before Frozen II.  
**

It was a pleasantly bright May afternoon in Arendelle, the fjord lapping gently around the city's busy harbour and the air full of that ever-present crisp coolness of the kingdom's northern climate. In the study of her magnificent ice-roofed castle, Queen Elsa sat at her desk in the study jotting down her signature at the foot of a document she was working on. As always her snowy blond braid snaked over her left shoulder bared by her favourite ice gown. The frost train curling down to the floor and her delicate glassy heels balanced her queenly appearance with the taste of freedom she expressed through her hairstyle and powers. She was also quite attentive with her work, something her dearly departed parents had always groomed her for. But getting work finished also left her free to join her beloved sister in whatever activities she'd be getting up to. A small grin appeared on Elsa's face at the very thought, just as she placed the quill in the ink pot.

A second later, there was a knock on the door. "Come in." Elsa called over, and the portly mild-mannered butler Kai, smart as ever with his neat receding ginger hair and his traditional dark green bunad jacket, leaned into the study. "Good afternoon, your majesty. Lunch will be ready shortly." Elsa was glad to hear this and set the document down on the desk. "Wonderful, Kai. It already smells divine." "Yes, your majesty, I couldn't help but notice also, just how strongly it smells." the butler observed, glancing back curiously. "What do you mean by that?" Elsa chuckled as they headed down the rich, red-carpeted stairs past antique suits of armour. "It's just that...it's a little odd smelling it even from up here. It isn't usually this potent." Kai explained. As they went further down the steps, the hot, meaty scents simply flooded the air. "Actually, you're right, Kai." Elsa agreed, lowering her brows. Even a couple of castle guards, standing on duty in green overcoats and shakos, lightly sniffed in suspicion. "Has someone left the kitchen door open?" Elsa asked Kai once they had reached the ground floor. When they came up to where the kitchen was, the door was still shut. The queen and the butler grew puzzled. "Not to worry, your majesty, I'll just see how the staff are getting - " Next thing the door swung open and thick greyish smoke billowed everywhere! Elsa and Kai had to cover their mouths and started coughing as torrents of fumes spread through the hallway, threatening to sting their eyes! The nearby guards came over and stared wide-eyed at their queen and the butler nearly choking half to death from the hot clouds spilling from the kitchen door.

A tiny dumpy figure holding a wooden spoon stumbled through, stopping just in front of Elsa and Kai. "Whoa, what a cookout!" the dwarfish, white, carrot-nosed figure exclaimed in his goofy, childlike voice. Halfway through a cough, Elsa could hardly comprehend any of this. "Olaf…?" she went incredulously. The round-eyed snowman in front of her tottered on his snowball feet, smeared all over in coal black splotches, more than half of his face smeared. Wisps of smoke trailed from his scraggly twig hairs. "Oh lord…" Kai lamented in dismay. "Oh, hello, Elsa! Hi, Kai! Ready for some gourmet grub me and Anna whipped up?" Olaf excitedly chirped, waving the spoon in one of his twig hands. Still covering their mouths to stifle their coughs, Elsa and Kai just stared down at the snowman grinning up at them. Soon men and women in aprons, the kitchen staff, came blindly charging past Olaf choking and trying to feel their forward. Taken aback, Elsa would have said something, when the last to come staggering out, standing behind Olaf was a certain princess with strawberry blond hair in braids and holding a spatula. "Anna?" Elsa's jaw dropped at the very sight of her sister grinning awkwardly, patches of black across her freckled face and her pale green frock. "Oh. Hey, Elsa! It's my first day of cooking!" she exclaimed joyfully, throwing up her arms. "I think we're getting somewhere." she then finished, not even dropping that grin. All Elsa and Kai did was crane their heads past Anna, everything in the kitchen utterly invisible in the smoke. "Oh, about that. Olaf was a little generous with the stove." Anna explained when she remembered. "I just learned you put wood into the stove for fuel! Isn't that a breakthrough in culinary skills?" Olaf happily squeaked to Elsa who, technically speaking, was his mother seeing as how she had created him. Elsa had no idea what to say. Anna had obviously persuaded the cooks to let her and Olaf help out, and now they had turned the kitchen into a crematorium! "Wonderful." Elsa commented once she had found her voice. "So what's on the menu?" "Oh, you're going to love it." Anna told her with an excited expression on her sooty face. _"Aagh! Fire! Put it out!"_ came the panicked cries of one of the castle maids. Anna and Olaf's smiles dropped from their faces, growing concerned with the after-effects of their first cooking session. "I'll handle this." Elsa told them, striding into the kitchen. With a few waves of her hands, blossoms of frost thinned out the smoke. Tables, pots, the large black iron stove and other cooking equipment became more visible now that the queen's powers had cleared up the mess Anna and Olaf had made.

Now that the smoke had been put out, Elsa sat at the dining table waiting for Anna and Olaf to finish washing off all that soot. Presently the two came in looking a lot cleaner and sat around the queen. "Olaf?" Elsa spoke up when she noticed the snowman grinning in anticipation for lunch. "What happened to your arm?" Olaf looked to his right and found, to his slight surprise, the spoon he had been holding was right where his arm should be. "Well, would you look at that?" he remarked with interest. He waggled the spoon this way and that as though it was a prosthetic. "Must've been when I tried to stick it back in the jar where all the other kitchen things belong." "Kai, could you retrieve Olaf's arm, please?" Elsa requested, faintly amused by this predicament. Though Kai left to take care of it, the spoon arm came in useful when the servants brought him and the sisters chicken and vegetable soup. The snowman gaped in wonder at the tasty-looking liquid, sniffed at the steam it emitted, then scooped the spoon into the bowl so he could slurp it all down. As the sisters sipped their spoonfuls leisurely, they exchanged little smiles at how the snowman simply lapped up his starter. "Olaf seems to find his new arm handy." Anna joked and Elsa nodded with a chuckle. "Your arm, my good sir." Olaf had just jammed the spoon into his mouth, then turned to Kai presenting him with the missing twig. "Oh, thank you Ka -" Soup spilled from his mouth onto Kai's hands and Olaf clapped his spoon-arm over his lips! "Oh, Olaf…" Elsa groaned whilst Anna grew bashful. _"Fowwy…cm't kmmp ip mm…"_ Kai hardly reacted but for a rolling of his eyes at how the soup dripped off his hands and the cuffs of his bunad. "Sorry about that. I'd put in a little too much." Olaf apologised once he had got his mouthful down. "Think nothing of it, my boy." Kai calmly replied, pulling out the spoon and reattaching his arm in its place. "In fact you needn't worry about germs, seeing as how you have the advantage of being…well…" Kai continued, then trailed off before leaving with the spoon. "Kai, I can make it up to you with - " "There's nothing to make up for, your majesty." the ginger-haired butler assured Elsa on his way out. "Enjoy your meals." Elsa just shook her head and went on eating her soup. "He's right, you're going to enjoy what Olaf and I just helped everyone cook." Anna told her proudly as they grew close to finishing. "I'm sure…" Elsa guessed, though she couldn't help but remember that little smog her sister and Olaf had caused in the process. Gerda, the tall, motherly servant in the cap that matched her green dress and jacket, cleared away the soup bowls. "I must say I was not expecting the princess to involve herself in cooking." she commented, but Anna folded her arms with a confident smile. "Well I may be a princess, but there's so much I've wanted to be able to do. Then one day I thought to myself, 'What would everyone think when they found the princess of Arendelle can do a mean roast beef like the one they're bringing in right now?'" Everyone turned to the door, Olaf gasping and clapping his hands in pure happiness, Elsa's face going blank. The lump of beef the servants were bringing in on a wide platter was producing more of that grey smoke from earlier. What's more, the meat was brownish-black. A servant had to waft away the vapours to keep it from stinging his eyes. Another strained from the effort it took to cut through the meat that seemed to hold together like stone.

Eventually the sisters and Olaf were each served slices of this beef along with potatoes and vegetables, the snowman ecstatically and ravenously munching into his share. When Elsa put her fork into her first slice, she stared at it apprehensively. Usually roast beef was best when nicely browned with a slightly pink centre. Anna and Olaf had cooked it the whole way through, leaving not a speck of pinkness. But Anna didn't seem to have accounted for this. Nor for that matter, did she seem to have known in the first place, because she was munching down her lunch in the least ladylike manner only Elsa knew she was capable of. _"Mv'rmthmg mkay, Mlsm?"_ the princess asked through chunks of meat she had stuffed in her mouth. "She's just asking is everything's okay, Elsa.'" Olaf explained helpfully, before putting his fork through a chunk of beef Elsa doubted he would even get down. "Olaf, small bites, please." Elsa requested, hoping to maintain some semblance of table manners. "Cut them into smaller bits. You'll get them in easier." Anna recommended. "Oh! That's what the knife is for!" Olaf said as though he had just worked out a puzzle, not what you used a utensil for. "How's your beef, Elsa?" Anna asked brightly. "You've hardly touched it yet." "Oh, excuse me, Anna, just a bit slow today…" In truth, the young queen was hardly looking forward to tasting this beef. But neither did she want to offend her beloved sister. The very thought of Anna blubbing at what everyone thought of her cooking, rushing upstairs then the slam of her door as she cried her eyes out was too much for Elsa to bear. Determined not to let that happen, she popped her slice in, then chewed. The beef had none of the flavour nor tenderness one could hope for. It had the texture of pulped wood and Elsa could hardly place the taste. Anna and Olaf weren't doing too badly, gobbling their platefuls down, but every bite Elsa took rolled about in her mouth longer than she would care to remember. When Anna looked to see how she found it, the blond queen made an effort to smile through her bites, though the taste of overcooked beef made it a challenge.

"So what did you think?" Anna asked with a grin of anticipation once everyone had made it through lunch at long last. Elsa paused for a couple of seconds to think up a fair and impartial appraisal. "Well...it's good...nice." she replied, though she found herself trailing off. "Super!" Anna went happily, very nearly leaping out of her chair. "Because Olaf and I plan to help Kristoff and the ice men out with supper tonight." 'Oh brother…' Elsa definitely wasn't going to say this out loud. She was acquainted with Anna's boyfriend Kristoff well enough to know that he would never let anyone put her dear sister down. But what she was really afraid of was how the other ice harvesters might judge Anna's cooking skills. "Really? Great. What do you have in mind?" Elsa asked in the hopes that Anna knew what she was doing. "Well apparently they'll have pheasant on the go. We can give that a try next." Anna suggested optimistically as ever. There were times when her gutsy attitude helped in a given situation, but in terms of cooking, this didn't sound so promising. "Oh. Well hope it goes well…" Elsa replied, mentally praying that ice harvesters would be a forgiving audience.


End file.
